I had a disturbing dream last night…a dream that still leaves me feeling forlorn even though I am awake.

I was kayaking with my father [an event by the way that has never taken place] the river was moving swiftly and we were laughing as the flow took us downstream. Other people were around us, and as I gazed back I saw my father leap for a woman who was flailing her arms as her kayak capsized. He struggled with managing the weight of the woman and handling the increasing current of the water. He made sure the woman was safe and looked at me with a glint in his eye as he slipped below the now murky water. I screamed and reached for him to no avail.

The scene then breaks to me doing CPR on him while he lies on a hospital floor. There are nurses standing around me oblivious to my cries for help. I begin chest compression, and as I go to give him the required breaths he disappears before me. I am left on my knees searching for him and sobbing uncontrollably.

It so hard to write about such things, but I know the significance of this dream. The night my father died he was found on the floor of his hospital room reaching for the door. I have always imagined that his last thoughts were, “just a little further” as he faded from this earth.

I miss him terribly, even though 7 years have now passed. This is not about me having regrets of what I should have said or did not say, just a reminder that he is always with me and there is nothing I could have done to ‘save’ him!

He is my hero [yes…I refuse to make this past tense]!!! He always had a helping hand for someone & asked for nothing in return. I watched as he struggled with diabetes, multiple back surgeries & my mother’s death. He always had his arms open to comfort me and a big smile on his face as he called me “pumpkin” [not sure how that nickname started].

When I am struggling or feel overwhelmed, I remind myself…I am my father’s daughter!!!

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